He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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