I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
