A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't deserve a penis
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
