I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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