genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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