Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
