When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
