I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
