Just fell off a train. Bad.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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