I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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