I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize