Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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