every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
