your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
