you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
