Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
