if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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