Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
