Your face is a jimmy john
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
