You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
