I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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