he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
