dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
