filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
