i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
