We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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