Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
