i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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