My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
