"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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