cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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