Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
pop tarts are not kleenex
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
