just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
