Only a mothe r could love this liver
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
