then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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