I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
