Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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