Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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