I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
