well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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