I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
