fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
