You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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