i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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