Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
