So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
