whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
