you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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