What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
its not stalking. its research.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
