If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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