i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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