if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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