Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
