capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
