M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize