The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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